An Open Letter to Santa from Razorbacks Fans
By Cory Thone
It’s the most wonderful time of the year! The staff at Razorbackers have penned an open letter to Santa Claus.
Dear Santa,
Hey there big guy. How’s it going? Everything is going…ok…here in Fayetteville. As you assuredly know, we’ve had our ups and downs over the last year. College World Series’ and borderline eroticism, to embarrassing home losses and massive injuries.
It’s been a wild ride, for sure. We feel like, all things considered, we’ve been good boys. We haven’t called for any coaches to be fired, and we’ve handled losing some tough games with grace and dignity.
Ok, maybe things went a little south at a few points, but we turned the ship around, right? Our editor still maintains that Pepsi is evil, though. He would like you to know that his first wish is that we switch back to Coca-Cola products at all Razorbacks games. Mountain Dew is NOT worth it. Pepsi-Cola has given it a valiant effort over the last century, but I think it’s time we call it. Game, set, match…Coke wins. Let’s just cut our losses and move on.
You know what we would really love for next year, Santa? Consistency. If we’re going to be a crappy team, let’s just be a crappy team. Crappy teams can still have fun! Their fans don’t agonize in the bleachers or at home, cursing into the mirror at what should be their own reflection but is instead a darkened void.
Dec 10, 2015; Sacramento, CA, USA; A man in a Santa Claus outfit dunks the ball during a timeout between the Sacramento Kings and the New York Knicks during the third quarter at Sleep Train Arena. The Sacramento Kings defeated the New York Knicks 99-97. Mandatory Credit: Kelley L Cox-USA TODAY Sports
Ask Ole Miss fans if they truly, in their heart of hearts, have enjoyed this recent level of success. I bet if you hooked them up to a polygraph machine, they’d answer “no”. It used to be that Ole Miss “might lose the game, but they’ve never lost a party!” Those days are long gone, as now their fans actively care about winning and losing. It’s not so much fun to come thiiiiiiiiis close to winning the west, is it?
So if we, the Razorbacks, are going to lose to Toledo and Texas Tech…then let’s just be crappy. But NOOOOOOO we had to turn the season around, and come 1 point away from finishing the season on a 6 game win streak, and end up with a 7 win season. A 7 win season, mind you, that is either a tackle in Oxford and a tackle against Auburn away from 5-7, or a non-blocked field goal, a non-called back punt return for a touchdown, and a stop in overtime away from 10-2.
WE CAN NOT DO IT ANYMORE, SANTA. This “Heart Attack Hogs” crap has got to stop. Win the game…or lose them. We just literally can not anymore with this. That being said, we’re super grateful for the close wins and the bowl game this year, don’t get us wrong. But can we start the season off playing like we end the season FOR ONCE? That would be great.
Also, while we’re going on about consistency, can we talk basketball? Can you send send us a talented bag man? We’re tired of losing out on recruits to schools simply because Mike Anderson refuses to get his hands dirty. Who’s the guy that landed Cam Newton for Auburn? Can we get him? We’ll trust whoever you send us, big guy, but please send him quick.
Also, we know that most people put something like “I ask for World Peace” so that you’ll think they’re extra good and they’ll get extra presents when they write to you. It’s a selfless act, and it’s for the betterment of all mankind. Well, we’re not going to lie to you Santa, what we’re about to ask for isn’t selfless, but it certainly would benefit all of mankind: End the “One and Dones” in college basketball.
It’s sucking the lifeblood out of the sport, and it’s showing in the poor competition in the NBA. Too many kids are leaving early, and it’s made the NBA so boring. It’s also made college basketball a total joke. A kid can take a 9 month vacation to anywhere he wants and still get drafted in the first or second round. Not a chance of graduation and not even an attempt to make it look like they’re “student athletes”. That would a great lump of coal to leave in a certain Appalachian based coach’s stocking.
Finally, we ask that you let Dave van Horn win a College World Series. We don’t think it’s too much to ask. He’s earned it, don’t you think?
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Ok Santa, I think that about covers it. We won’t take up any more of your time. Just think about these things we’ve said and asked for. It would mean the world to us.
Merry Christmas,
The Razorbackers Staff
P.S. Thanks for making Texas terrible for us. That was the best gift ever! Woo Pig!