The Razorbacks Have Fallen Victim to an Age Old Bubbly Curse

The Arkansas Razorbacks lost to the Texas A&M Aggies 28-21 in overtime last Saturday. Just seems like par for the course for the Razorbacks. The Hogs have been unable to right their ship ever since losing their psychotic Ahab of a captain named Bobby Petrino in 2012. Some fans look at the current mess the Hogs are in and blame our current captain, Bret Bielema. Others look at the poor recruiting and loss of depth after Petrino was fired as an acceptable excuse. Still others are blaming Jeff Long, and not just for football. The basketball team is poised to have one of the worst seasons in a while, which is truly saying something. The Razorbacks Basketball squad will return zero starters off a team that went to the NCAA tournament last year, and what few players that Mike Anderson had coming back are currently out on bail facing federal forgery charges. When did it all go so wrong?

2012 was supposed to be the year that the world ended. They even made a crappy movie about it with John Cusack. The 2012 hype was based around an ancient Mayan calendar, that stopped counting days on a certain date in the year 2012. Or something like that. The destruction was set to occur on December 21st, 2012. Obviously that didn’t happen. Much like the doomsdayers in Parks and Recreation, everyone was pretty bad at math. They never accounted for a leap year! If you account for a leap year, you’ll find that the day the Mayans were talking about was actually July 1st, 2012. And they weren’t talking about the world, just the University of Arkansas Athletics. Put down the calculator. Trust me on this.

The downfall of the Razorbacks was etched in stone several months before Petrino’s motorcycle crash. It all started, as all problems in this country start, with greed. What if I told you that the difference between winning and losing was decided based on soda contracts? Would you think I was crazy? I would ask you to look at the evidence. This isn’t some baseless conspiracy nonsense. I have facts.

2011 Arkansas Football:

Final Record: 11-2

Bowl: Cotton Bowl win over Kansas State

Soda served at games: Coca-Cola.

THAT SEEMS LIKE DECADES AGO, DOESN’T IT, HOG FANS? In January of 2011, only 4 years ago, the Razorbacks finished a top 5 team with 11 wins. What happened? Was it the loss of Bobby Petrino? Was it poor recruiting? Was it ol’ smiley sides John L. Smith?

2012 was the year that the Razorbacks decided to stop using Coca-Cola products in lieu of the higher margin Pepsi-Cola products. This didn’t happen overnight. There was no backroom deal made to get Pepsi on campus that higher ups had no knowledge of. This was a deal that had been worked on for over a year. When the UA made the switch to Pepsi, they were certainly not going to lower prices to match the new wholesale cost. The University had secured  a potentially 10 year deal with Pepsi, all to make a few extra dollars here and there.

The consequences were dire. It’s a popular theory with myself that Petrino’s motorcycle crash was no accident. It was caused by the Illumanti-esque soda goons that Pepsi employs, mostly comprised of former mercenaries and felons/Florida Gators. These goons caused the crash, and hid the evidence. In the wake of the ensuing media frenzy, Pepsi was able to finalize the contract with the UA, and no one was able to protest the soda switch until it was too late.

The Pepsi Curse is real. When you ditch Coke, you have sacrificed your program to the Dark Lord, and he requires a sacrifice of a minimum of 2 seasons of football and at least 1 head coach. And he will get his sacrifice, one way or another.

2012 Arkansas Football:

Final Record: 4-8

Bowl: LOL

Soda Served at Games: PEPSI

The fallout from the lack of refreshing Coca-Cola was rapid, wouldn’t you say? The Hogs started the season ranked #10 and rose to #8 before falling to ULM in Little Rock. (Which, by the way, placed a totally separate “Curse of Johnelle” on the Little Rock field for the Hogs. So many curses, you guys.)  The Razorbacks have yet to recover from this season.

Coaches have come and gone. Former recruits have been kicked off the team or forced to transfer. We’ve had so many injuries I can’t keep count. Heartbreaking loss after heartbreaking loss, and only 1 bowl appearance in 3 years (and likely not one this year either) have left Hogs fans reeling. Only one thing has remained a constant at the University of Arkansas.

Pepsi.

IT HASN’T JUST HAPPENED AT ARKANSAS EITHER, FOLKS. IT’S TANGIBLE ACROSS THE COUNTRY. 

Don’t believe me? Ask the Michigan Wolverines. In 2006, the University of Michigan announced it would cut ties with Coca-Cola. The Wolverines were as proud and rock solid of a program as you could find, and it took the Dark Lord Pepsi more time to destroy that program than it did Arkansas. The 2007 Michigan team lost to Appalachian State, but was able to salvage the season with 9 wins. But the loss of Coke was too much for the Wolverines. The 2008 team went 3-9. While the Wolverines have had their ups and downs since the change, there’s no denying the Pepsi Curse. How many coaches did you lose, Michigan? How many games? Was it worth it to have Aquafina? Hmm?

I’M NOT DONE YET.

Summer of 2010. Texas A&M announced it’s new partnership with Pepsi-Cola. Off in the distance, you hear a mournful sound as if an angel has lost it’s wings. The 2010 season went ok for the Aggies and coach Mike Sherman. TAMU finished in the top 25 and made the Cotton Bowl. It didn’t take long for things to unravel for the Aggies. A&M finished the next season 7-6. Now, I know what you’re thinking….”but Cory! The next year the Aggies went 11-2 and won the Cotton Bowl! They joined the SEC and everything has been ok for them!” When you’re right, you’re right, person in my head. But did you stop to consider the sacrifice that had to be made to get the Pepsi curse off their back? The Aggies still sacrificed a season and a head coach. It wasn’t until they joined the SEC and betrayed their Texan brethren that TAMU was able to shake the curse. Texan Betrayal! A crime punishable by stampeding in Austin.

It is odd, though, that the curse only lasted for 1 season. It’s almost like they…passed…the curse…to someone else….oh my God.

In writing this article, friends, I have come to a realization. 2012, the year of the Hogs downfall, was the year that A&M shook the Pepsi curse. They conspired with Pepsi to infiltrate the SEC. It all makes sense now!

Coca-Cola is based in Atlanta, the heart of the SEC. For decades, the fools at Coke assumed that they had full control over the SEC, and all the money that was flowing into souvenir cups from Charleston to Baton Rouge would be theirs forever. Then, in a brash move, the SEC accepted Missouri and Texas A&M into the fold. A&M had JUST signed their contract with Pepsi the year before, and now A&M is in the SEC? Fortunate timing for the Dark Lord, wouldn’t you say? Suddenly, the impenetrable Coca-Cola conference had a damn Mountain Dew peddler in their midst. Clearly, the deal with Pepsi that A&M struck had worked like a charm.

Sacrifice 1 season and 1 coach to Pepsi, and in return, the Dark Lord would help get A&M into the SEC. In return for their allegiance, Pepsi would lift the curse. It was a win-win for A&M, but they had no idea of the dark forces they had sided with. In order to lose the curse, it must be passed to someone else. And you knew it, too…didn’t you? You basically “It Follows” us! You brought with you a pox, and you sold your soul for a chance to play in the SEC. And you passed the curse to the Razorbacks, damn you!

Look at what Pepsi hath wrought. Not only do our mixed drinks suffer (oh man, do they suffer) but the team has been cursed. Plagued. Undone. A blight has been brought upon our house in Fayetteville. I don’t blame you, Aggies. Ok, I do, actually. However, I understand your actions, in a way. But you should have to pay for your sins against Texas, Arkansas, and Coca-Cola. And until the time when all can be made right, we’re forced to live under the Shroud of Sierra Mist.

Shame on you, Aggies. Shame. *rings shame bell*