Take A Shot With Jose: Bold Predictions For UT-Martin
By Jose Harber
How about them Hogs? That was a great game against Auburn for the team and the Woo Pig faithful, but not so much for my bold predictions. Not a single one of my bold predictions was right. Crazy, I know! This week. though…this is the week I hit a home run. I’m going to outrageously flip my bat and round the bases, fist pumping the whole way.
They say to bet on red but I say bet on Jose because these next few shots are going straight to the dome. Shots of knowledge and the utmost journalistic integrity. Share this article with you friends, family, strangers; anyone who wants a dose of reality. This is no red pill from The Matrix but it’s damn near close. Grab your seat, you’ll need it for these.
ARKANSAS V UTM WILL GO INTO 8 OVERTIMES
Last week I predicted the Hogs to blow out Auburn by four scores and for a minute there I thought it was going to
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happen. Alas, they could not hold the Tigers to 20 yards of total offense but instead battled it out in four overtimes. This week though, everyone is picking the Hogs to steam roll UTM but not I. UTM averages 38.7 points per game; the Hogs average 28.1. Don’t get me wrong, I believe the Hogs win but this game will be an all timer.
Eight overtimes might seem like a lot but in the world of the Razorbacks, nothing is impossible so bring a blanket and a cushy seat, you’ll be there awhile. Hogs go down in history 87-85.
BRET BIELEMA WILL WEAR A SKI MASK
Oct 24, 2015; Fayetteville, AR, USA; Arkansas Razorbacks head coach Bret Bielema looks on from the sidelines in the game against the Auburn Tigers during the second half at Donald W. Reynolds Razorback Stadium. Mandatory Credit: Jasen Vinlove-USA TODAY Sports
Bielema has been going through some different head wear this season. He wore a ball cap in the win against Tennessee which was quickly trashed after the Hogs lost to those cheats, I mean Alabama. Against Auburn, he had a visor and so far it has proven good fortune. The visor will stay but his newest addition will make it’s appearance this Saturday. Ski Mask Bret. He will either be intimidating as hell or look like a total goof but after an eight overtime win, who could argue it isn’t lucky? He would look like the Dark Knight strolling the sidelines, you know, minus the rippling abs. Intimidation never looked so plump.
EVERYONE ON OFFENSE WILL TAKE A SNAP AT RB
It’s no secret the Hogs backfield has shriveled up like a scared turtle. Jonathan Williams and now Rawleigh Williams III are gone for the season leaving Alex Collins, who recently pissed off Bielema (see my last post), a one-armed Kody Walker and Juan Day, who is coming back from two torn ACL’s. What a perfect time to find a new substitute at running back against a team like UTM. From Drew Morgan, Brandon Allen, Hunter Henry and even Sebation Tretola (now that’s entertainment), they’ll all get a chance to show off their fine running skills. I even heard through the grape vine that the Hogs will be holding tryouts after the game. It’s your chance to run behind an under-performing offensive line!
BRANDON AND AUSTIN ALLEN WILL HAVE 650 PASSING AND 9 TD’S COMBINED
Well it is going to eight over times so those numbers aren’t THAT crazy but here’s how it will go down. Brandon and his A-team will come out slinging. He’ll share the wealth and rake up some good numbers, 250 yards and three scores for the first quarter and half then little brother will come in. Austin and B-team will get a shot and that’s when UTM will make their comeback. Austin will still have a good game, 175 yards passing and two scores till midway through the 4th quarter. That’s when Brandon comes back in and stays in. Once again he’ll lead the Hogs to an overtime thriller and what will most definitely be an instant classic. If you’re doing the math at home that will leave Brandon getting the other 200 yards and four scores late in the fourth and overtime. They will become the first brother duo in the history of the game to hand out such punishment in one game. The team with lift the Allen brothers on their shoulders and carry them off into the sunset.
Jul 15, 2015; Birmingham, AL, USA; Arkansas Razorbacks quarterback Brandon Allen speaks to media during SEC media days at the Wynfrey Hotel. Mandatory Credit: Shanna Lockwood-USA TODAY Sports
Phew. How many out there are still sitting up straight after those shots of absolute truth? If you’ve made it this far than you can handle anything, just like a true Razorback fan. Let it be known that these shots, although strong, can expand on what you consider reality. Handle with with responsibility and I am in no way responsible for any lost keys or shoes.
Tune in next week for more shots as I take on those ugly (and already wasted) Ole Miss Rebels. Remember, that’s an away game for the Hogs because Ole Miss still hasn’t discovered planes, or the outside world to be honest.