Razor’s Rant: The Arkansas Razorbacks exist in a void a black as the hole in my heart

In my entire writing career, I do not think that I have ever come across a title that so succinctly expresses the thoughts that I am trying to get through — in the body of my article — better than this particular title does. As I type these words, I am reminded of the most heartbreaking loss (to me) from last season, and it very nearly played out identically in last night’s game…I felt as if I were watching the Razorbacks play the Aggies from 2014, all over again.

Historical reenactment of War Memorial Stadium in the aftermath of the Toledo Loss. #NeverForget

This was the year, remember? The year the Arkansas Razorbacks would finally overcome the devastation left in the wake of Bobby Petrino’s wandering eye. All we heard about — in the months leading up to week one — was that Bret Bielema had finally turned this ship around, and look out SEC West because the Hogs were the sexy pick to win it this year, WOO PIG YA’LL!

And then Toledo strapped a nuclear bomb to a rocket and torpedoed our hopes and dreams like the vicious monsters they are. THERE WERE WOMEN AND CHILDREN IN THERE, TOLEDO, HOW DARE YOU!

Arkansas left Little Rock with a very disturbing trend of breaking the bones of our starters, because Jesus hates us. WE MUST REPENT ARKANSAS, THE DUGGARS ARE NOT ACCEPTABLE TELEVISION ENTERTAINMENT, I MEAN, YOU MIGHT AS WELL BE WATCHING HONEY BOO BOO OR THE KARDASHIANS. SHAME ON YOU, SHAME ON US ALL! SHAME! SHAME! SHAME!

Anyway, you all know what happened next, more broken bones, more of Jesus turning his back on us, and then Kliff Kardashian comes into Fayetteville — into our house — and puts a beating on us. I don’t think the loss hurt as much as having to watch the preening, pompous, arrogant diva being replayed all week on SportsCenter. I foolishly thought we would be able to forget about the prettiest House Wife in all of Dallas, but there he was, on my screen, every time Arkansas threatened to take the lead. “Can Arkansas finally shed the loss to Texas Tech?” “Is Kliff Kingsbury right about Bret Bielema?” “Does Kliff Kingsbury use base and eye-liner?” These questions would haunt me all game long. And, as I sit here — in my living room of despair — looking longingly at that bucket of drain cleaner and bleach I mixed up to drink last night, they still linger here. But hey, Kliffy lost last night too, so there’s that. HAHAHAHAHA SUCK IT KLIFF!

Still though, we went into Saturday’s game with a stellar record of 1-2, that’s right…one win to two losses. Again, my theory stands, Jesus has turned his back on us and he will continue to do so until we expel the Duggars from this state, like the cancer that they are. Basically, we are Egypt and God is tossing plagues at us like it’s biblical times, only instead of locusts and blood in the Nile, we got losses to Toledo and Princess Buttercupbury.

THAT MAKES THE A&M LOSS THE PLAGUE OF FROGS AHHHHHHHH!

I honestly have no idea what that means, but I’m in a really dark place here you guys, so stick with me. For Brandon Allen’s entire tenure here at the University of Arkansas, I have defended him against the wolves. I mean, you guys are pretty vicious when you want to be. Burning his truck and egging his truck…and doing pretty much anything generally awful to his truck, has been your go to for BA, and I have railed against your disgusting methods.

Brandon was forced to stand in for Tyler Wilson and was lamb being led into the slaughter. On a rainy Saturday afternoon, against Alabama, under a coach who really should have been having his adult diaper changed at the nursing home, while he was yelling “SMILE!” Brandon was QB1 for an injured and humiliated team that lost 52-0 — not once, but two years in a row — and I don’t think he has ever come back from that. Brandon Allen has Bama-PTSD. It’s more common in freshmen or redshirt-freshmen like BA was when he suited up on that fateful day.

Oct 11, 2014; Fayetteville, AR, USA; Alabama Crimson Tide linebacker Xzavier Dicksnon (47) and defensive lineman Jarran Reed (90) bring down Arkansas Razorbacks quarterback Brandon Allen (10) and offensive guard Mitch Smothers (65) during the second half of a game at Donald W. Reynolds Razorback Stadium. Alabama defeated Arkansas 14-13. Mandatory Credit: Beth Hall-USA TODAY Sports

Notice the eyes are closed in this photo of last year’s loss to Alabama. Brandon’s head is tilted to the side, his arms hugging the ball ever so tightly. He’s dreaming of a happy place; his happy place. Like when Happy Gilmore wanted to sink a hole-in-one and he closed his eyes and dreamed of his grandma at a slot machine, and all his worries went away. This is what Brandon’s doing in this photo. Bama-PTSD is real, you guys, and we must protect our future QB’s from this very real and very scary syndrome, or we’ll have to suffer through another four years of not quite winning the big games.

Games like last night, when all Brandon Allen had to do, to extend overtime, was to hit Jeremy Sprinkle for the first down, but instead he short-armed the pass and it missed Sprinkle by inches. Sadly, that is Brandon Allen’s legacy here at Arkansas, and it’s not his fault. I blame Bobby Petrino’s inability to keep it in his pants — oh and for being a morally bankrupt douchecanoe — and I blame John L. Smith who was more worried about the temperature of everyone’s urine. And, I blame the fact that under BERT, Brandon has gone through two Offensive Coordinators. It’s not your fault Brandon, but much like Casey Dick, Arkansas will be a better school once the next QB takes the helm, and I don’t this it’s going to be your brother Nathan Austin.

Now to the final piece to this huge poo-pie that I find myself eating this morning. It’s why I find myself in such a dark place, thinking of biblical plagues and blaming weirdo-Duggars for all our problems. Penalties — SEC Refs — and their impact on our future. The one thing that BERT said when he got the job of Head Hog, was that he ran a disciplined team, that his teams didn’t beat themselves. Really BERT? Because this season has been filled with so many offensive holding calls and false starts that THEY COULD FILL THIS HOLE IN MY HEART LEFT EMPTY BY THIS SEASON OF WOE AND MISERY YOU WROUGHT UPON US. DAMN YOU BERT, I LOVE YOU, BUT DAMN YOU. I don’t think I can ever recall — and I am recalling the John L. year along with Nutt’s bad years — a season where penalties have absolutely hamstrung us and cost us games.

Look at my superior Photoshop skills as a Razorback roasts the SEC Refs alive.

Whether you want to blame the refs — which I do and rightfully so — on some plays, or you blame the players, or you blame the coaches, these penalties have to stop or we won’t win another game this season and yes, I’m counting UT Martin as a loss, at this point. I TOLD YOU I WAS IN A DARK PLACE. All in all, Arkansas has a brutal schedule going forward, and if BERT doesn’t right this sinking ship, it will get very ugly for him around November, when the nutjobs start wearing “FIRE BERT” shirts to games, as well as organizing “black-outs” in support of firing him. Which of course is stupid, Bret Bielema is the right man for the job, it’s just that we have 234, 345, 213, 000 starters on the sideline with broken bones. He can only do so much with what he’s got, ya’ll.

As far as making fun of Texas A&M — as I am usually want to do — I got nothing. I respect the heck out of Kevin Sumlin and don’t have one bad word for him. So, in light of that, I will just make fun of their Yell Leaders, because…LOL DUDE CHEERLEADERS LOL.

I mean, what the hell is that even? Are they squeezing their junk so they can yell louder? Is this something that every potential Aggie Yell Leader must go through in order to proudly wear the overalls and Gomer Pile haircut? Or, does Texas A&M support men’s health, and these cadets are simply checking for lumps? Testicular cancer is no laughing matter you guys. Although, I think the way these guys are squeezing, they may actually be causing the cancer to happen…not sure if healthy college fun, or weird Caligula like orgy.

That’s all I got folks. Time for me to crawl back under the covers and have a good cry for the season that never was, the season that should have been.