Take A Shot With Jose: Bold Predictions for LSU


How about them Hogs? What a win against Ole Miss and their severely out-dated mascot. Next up is the LSBOO Tigers. The Razorbacks will travel into Louisiana and hope to come back alive. Sometimes people ask me, “Jose, how dI’d you get so stinkin smart?” and the answer is simple– I put smarties in my shoes each morning before I put them on, keep me smart all day. What that means for you is shots full of wisdom, bravery, intelligence, tact, gracefulness and of course the hardcore truth. I was able to get some super inside information–some of it Bret Bielema doesn’t even know. Read this article quick, it will self destruct in less than a minute. So pull up a chair, tell you significant other you have more important things to do, and grab some shots!


For those who don’t know, Les Miles was a cow in his previous life. Now he’s a coach but his cow instincts take over before each game at home. He bends over, picks some grass, and eats it. On Saturday you’ll see the same thing except unknown to him, Miles will have eaten bad grass. Some will say it was from bird feces and others will blame the grounds keeper but Miles will get sick. I mean nasty sick. As the game closes in on the half the cameras will notice Miles bent over, heaving up every bit of grass he’s eaten in two lifetimes. It will be gross but a great distraction for the Hogs. The LSWHO sideline will be so concerned with their projectile vomiting coach that they forget to calls play leaving their athletes more lost than usual. Hogs will capitalize and score going into half but Miles won’t return. He’ll be taken to the hospital for grass poisoning and will eventually have to go into counseling for grass withdrawals.


Before Fournette hit a wall against Bama, many believed him to be super human. Only a sophomore, Fournette has been tearing up the SEC but against the Hogs, the truth about Fournette will be revealed. During a simple run play, Fournette will break through the line and sprint toward the end zone. Our defense will make a critical stop but it will come at the price of Fournette. Two of our players will collide with him, hard and fast, leaving the Tiger on the ground with a gruesome leg injury, revealing his android legs. Instead of bones, there are wires, metal, and oil spurting from his knee. Fournette was actually born with no legs but he was selected for a government experiment when we was young. That experiment led him to be the number one recruit in his class and now in the Heisman race. It explains a lot but unfortunately, or should I say unFournettely, the sophomore back he will be forced to give up football.


Mandatory Credit: Matt Bush-USA TODAY Sports

In case you missed it, after the game last weekend, Bielema said he was looking forward to “hop on his wife” before quickly correcting himself by saying “hop on the PLANE”. He smoothly covered it up though, saying he was looking at his wife when he was speaking. Everyone got a laugh and he left but what the public doesn’t know is that he wasn’t lying. Information from my top secret informant has revealed to me that Bielema’s wife is actually a transformer. After away games she transforms into a private jet that Bielema hops on and rides home. He doesn’t let people ride with him either, mainly because it’s a one-seater, plus he already exceeds the weight limit.

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That’s all for this week. Short but strong. Take them slow and enjoy but as always, take with care. It certainly won’t be easy at LSU, but if there is one thing we have learned this year, it’s that we know don’t know anything. Tune in next week as I give out bold predictions for the Mississippi State Prescotts.