It’s that time again. Time to face the truth and take some shots. Stop crying! There are many more to come so don’t quit on me now. Last week was another skunk in the prediction column but nevertheless my confidence is still sky high! Jump on the bandwagon, it’s a fun ride even with the bumps in the road. This week the Hogs play those damn dirty Ole Miss Rebels. Even typing the name makes my IQ dip, so imagine the torture our boys will face once they enter the stadium. Some say we have no chance at Ole Miss but never fear, Jose is here and I have the answers to all of your insecurities. Take a seat, grab a bucket (just in case, you know?) and let’s go.
OLE MISS FANS WILL BE AN HOUR LATE
As the rest of the country knows, daylight saving was this past Sunday but Ole Miss has most likely missed the memo. Going into Mississippi is like going into a haunted house. It’s dark, you lose track of time, there’s a guy in the corner wearing a wife-beater, no teeth, with a chainsaw and you leave never wanting to return. It will be a great advantage for the Hogs since there will only be Arkansas fans for the first hour. They’ll be able to jump ahead early and hold off the Rebels as their fans start to trickle in on their horse-drawn wagons. For the Hog fans going, be sure to make your Razorbacks feel as if they were home.
CHAD KELLY WILL PERFORM AT HALFTIME
If you haven’t heard, Ole Miss quarterback Chad Kelly has a rap song out. His lyrics are on par with someone who goes to college in Mississippi. Take a listen below but listener beware, there is a lot of swag. You may have a swag overdose. During half time, Kelly will come out to the large (and late) crowd of 16 Ole Miss fans. Kelly will have his back up dancers, lights, and of course lots of swag. The crowd will go wild but to be honest they’ll just be reacting to the loud sounds (I DON’T KNOW WHAT WE’RE YELLING ABOUT!). Remember folks, just because it isn’t good, doesn’t mean it isn’t entertaining so be sure to watch.
HOGS GET HELP FROM FORMER PLAYERS
For all the faults Ole Miss has they aren’t a bad team and after the Hogs gave up more than 500 yards to UTM, it won’t be a cakewalk. Last weekend during homecoming a few former players were on the sidelines including Martrell Spaight and Tevin Mitchel. Well guess who suits up against the Rebels? Spaight and Mitchel listened the begging and pleading of Defensive Coordinator Robb Smith and Head Coach Bret Bielema and decided to take up the offer to suit up one last time in cardinal red. They’ll be out there in disguise but it will be pretty easy to spot them since they’ll be the ones actually playing defense. Spaight will record a couples sacks and 16 tackles, all solo, and Mitchel will pick off Chad “Super Swag” Kelly three times. Thanks to them the Hogs will be able to overcome Ole Miss and improve on their 111th pass defense ranking (Fun fact, Arkansas State is 96th.)
ALEX COLLINS’ SHOES WILL BE EVEN MORE SPECIAL
After the UTM game, Bielema revealed that Nike had made some special shoes for Collins (he’s nursing a small foot injury). With those special shoes on, Collins racked up five touchdowns (!) and 173 rushing yards, including a 63 yard sprint to the end zone. Well Nike will come out with even more special shoes. I’ve heard they are made out of a super lightweight material that is nearly
Mandatory Credit: Nelson Chenault-USA TODAY Sports
indestructible. Some say NASA uses the same stuff. I was also able to get an inside scoop from very credible, trustworthy source that will remain unknown for his or her protection. He/she told me that Nike has installed small rocket boosters on the backs of the shoes. They are very small, more space technology, and they will be able to increase his sprinting speed ten fold. Look for Collins to rush for 300 yards and seven scores. Ole Miss won’t know what hit ’em and even if they did, it’d too much for their Rebel minds to comprehend.
That’s it! Glasses down, heads up and eyes forward, if you can. This week’s round of shots is all done. As always be responsible with this knowledge, it can lead some to go mad. Especially don’t share this with anyone from Ole Miss, their minds are bound to unravel from information overload. That is if they can find someone to read it to them. Don’t worry that I haven’t been right so far, neither have some of the presidential candidates and people still follow them with undying love. At least I’m entertaining! Tune in next week as the Hogs will be on the road again to the swamp lands of LSU. Les Miles says Tiger stadium is where dreams come to die. What a coincidence, that’s the schools slogan too! Woo Pig.