Dear Gus,
I’m writing you this with a heavy heart, knowing that you won’t handle this news well. I’ve called Kristi and the girls to go over to your one bedroom apartment, and I’m hoping they’re there when you read this…oh come on, let’s stop pretending Kri-Kri didn’t kick you to the curb after the Jacksonville State game. But enough about your sad marital situation, back to us…or rather, the lack of us. It’s just not working for me anymore, and I think we need to stop seeing each other.
As you may have noticed, we’ve been slowly growing apart for some time now. Sure, it started when you backstabbed my favorite Tiny Toon Adventures character — Houston Dale Nutt — and turned what could have been a magical season, into one of filled with the usual Arkansas mediocrity. Look, I know we’ve been to therapy about Mitch Mustain, but you shouldn’t have gotten him in the separation…you only have yourself to blame.
Then there was the Arkansas State fiasco. Gus, I know you wanted to be closer to me, and so you took a job in a stinkhole murdertrap like Jonesboro, but placing billboards all over the state claiming you were gonna out-recruit Bobby, well…that was tantamount to blasphemy…I DON’T CARE IF HE WASN’T HERE FOR THAT SEASON, IT WAS STILL DISRESPECTFUL AND YOU JONESBORO PLEBS MUST LEARN TO KNOW YOUR PLACE. See Gus? You made me yell, and I wasn’t planning on yelling on Sunday.
Let’s talk about your time at Auburn, shall we? Contrary to what you tell your reflection in the mirror — no less than six times a day — you have yet to win a National Championship. See, that one you were part of, was actually Gene’s. That’s right Gus, for all your blustering and hurry up no huddling, the only college football championship you’ve won, was as an assistant to a caveman who can barely grunt-out single-syllable words, while focusing on not falling over while standing still. Remember in 2013, your super-innovative offense lost to a crab-leg thieving, accused but never convicted (because Tallahassee is even more corrupt and filthy than Jonesboro), rapist…oh, and a coach named Jimbo.
Okay Gus, I’m gonna wrap this up, because I know your attention span doesn’t allow for you to read anything without color-along instructions. On Saturday, you walked into DWRRS with the swagger that only a coach who was 4-2 could, despite being picked to be in the 2015 CFP, who had a preseason Heisman Trophy favorite, and who was picked by all the “experts” to win the SEC. How’s that working out for you, by the way, Gus?
Anyway, the glue of our relationship has always been that you have provided some endless entertainment for me, despite your penchant for wearing sweater vests even when you sleep, and saying “BOOM!” after completing even the most mundane of tasks (seriously Gus, no one needs to know when you’ve had a good poop — BOOM!). Well, after coming into Springdale on Friday night to get your ego stroked (HAHA THEY LOST) and then losing to Arkansas in four overtimes on Saturday, I’ve come to the decision that you’ve become a boring sideshow that is no longer worth my time.
So, in summation: It’s not me, it’s you, Gus. I’m tired of the sweater vests, the HUNH is dumb, and nobody really likes you anymore because, much like that kid in 2nd grade who smelled like stale pee — and despite the fact that you felt really sorry for them — eventually they grow up and stop wetting the bed and start showering before school, or they get picked-on the rest of their lives. Gus, you smell like stale pee…still. Please stop calling me, and no, you can’t come give a motivational speech at the high school next week, after Saturday, they bumped you and scheduled BERT.
XoXo,
Razor
Next: Have the Arkansas Razorbacks Finally Expelled their Demons after Auburn?