Razor’s Rant: Fare You Well, Razorback Football
Fare you well my Razorbacks, fare you well my only true team. A loss in Donald W. is unforgiving, but losing to the Big 12 is the real sting. So, I’m going to leave this brokedown palace, down MLK to I-540 I will roll.
Yes, I just bastardised The Grateful Dead’s “Brokedown Palace” because my Arkansas Razorbacks lost to the prettiest girl in College Football — Kliff Kingsbury — last night, and I am not in a good place…DON’T YOU JUDGE ME. So now, instead of watching ESPN and the SEC Network on Sunday morning, as is my usual football season ritual, I am now avoiding all media outlets, as well as social media platforms like Facebook and Twitter because I run into things like this.
You shut your mouth, Kliff Kingsbury, you shut your beautiful mouth. I honestly don’t know what’s worse at this point: Is it the fact that after week three, the Razorbacks’ season is already in the pooper? Or is it that we lost to probably the 5th best team in the Big 12? Oh hey here’s a fun thought, FCS school — Sam Houston State — scored more points on Texas Tech (45) than we did (24). Ready to down a gallon of bleach yet? No? Okay, here’s some more fun for you.
Wide Receiver Jared Cornelius joined the ever-swelling ranks of the Razorbacks’ injured list, when he broke his arm after a nice catch early in the game. That makes five…FIVE Arkansas starters who are most likely out for the season. #Bodybyherb
So where do we go from here? Fire BERT and throw the program into chaos? I mean…I would be a liar if I said there wasn’t at least a little chaotic part of me that wasn’t yearning for this to happen. I wonder how happy Gus is, in his current position. I’M KIDDING, PUT THE GUN DOWN SIR OR MAAM. While BERT will definitely be sitting on a lukewarm seat after last night’s flaccid performance, the only way Arkansas will lose the current Head Hog, is if the Iowa job comes open…then it’s asses and elbows from BERT. CHERISH HIM NOW HE’S GROWING UP SO FAST!
Next up, Texas A&M in Jerry’s World. This was a game that I picked us to win, before the season started and we took a hot steaming dump in the bed, but now I am convinced we will just get bent over a barrel and shown the 50 states. This week is not going to be fun Razorback fans and neither will this coming weekend, so my advice to you is:
- Hide any sharp tools and or weapons you may have in or around your house.
- Lock away your bleach and drain cleaners, as well as your car’s antifreeze.
- If you do keep firearms in the house, make sure they are not loaded, and that they are locked away.
- Keep the number for poison control on hand.
- Don’t forget the number for 911 is in fact 911.
Try and enjoy your week, you guys, and remember that Bama fans are dealing with losing to Ole Miss for two years in a row, and Les Miles made Gus his new girlfriend, so there’s that…in case you wanted to laugh at someone else’s pain. Oh, and to get you through the week, Cory made you another Sad Razorback Playlist. Although, you probably shouldn’t listen to it, if you haven’t completed the above checklist.
#WPSuicide