Do you hear that? That’s the sound of hundreds (because there’s not that many of us left) of Arkansas fans sighing in resignation, all at once. Our simultaneous “welps” are breezing through the ozarks at the speed of sound, because light is just too fast for us, apparently. What happened in Little Rock on Saturday, will go down as one of the worst losses in recent Arkansas Razorback history — and yes — I am taking into consideration the ULM loss. And while Toledo is no Citadel (YES I WENT THERE I’M IN A DARK PLACE RIGHT NOW OKAY?), this season’s Razorback team has way more to lose than that Jack Crowe ’92 squad.
YOU WERE THE CHOSEN ONE, BERT! YOU WERE TO BRING BALANCE TO ARKANSAS, NOT LEAVE IT IN DARKNESS!
Yes, this is an obscure reference to Star Wars…BIEL WITH IT!
So where did it all go wrong? Well, isn’t it obvious? The antiquated landfill that is War Memorial Stadium, that’s where! That poor excuse for a football field has been in the midst of its death rattle for 10 years now, and it is finally time for someone to pull the plug. Look Jeff Long, I get it, I do, you want people in Arkansas to like you because you’re a carpetbagging yankee, and the more you pander to the unwashed masses in the middle of our great state, the better chance you’ll get more donations to the Razorback Foundation, but I’m sorry buddy, it’s time. Just quietly take the pillow and place it over War Memorial’s face, and let God do the rest.
Here’s a list of reasons — just from yesterday’s game — as to why War Memorial needs to be euthanized.
- Clock problems.
- Scoreboard problems.
- Fans did the wave…WHILE ONE OF OUR OWN PLAYERS WAS HURT.
- Crowd was rowdy…WHILE WE WERE IN A 3rd AND GOAL AND BRANDON ALLEN BEGGED THEM TO BE QUIET.
- Concessions ran out of water at halftime because Mad Max Fury Road is real, you guys.
Okay, so if I want to be a little more of a rational Razorback fan, which I am most certainly not inclined to be…not at this point, thank you very much, blaming War Memorial Stadium and the low football IQ of the Little Rock crowd for the loss, while most certainly satisfyingly smug, is not logical. Arkansas had two scores called back because of penalties, and no less than three huge chunk plays called back because of holds. And, once again, the Hogs started the game with two dynamic playmakers riding the pine because of suspensions.
The game’s tone seemed to be set when BERT and Enos decided to punt on 4th and 2 on Arkansas’ first possession of the game, and after that, the Razorback defense looked as flaccid as Bill Clinton’s little president in a week-long getaway with Hillary. Speaking of ugly women, our offensive line was pathetic, and the running backs suffered for it. Alex Collins had brief moments of good, but for the most part AC was stuffed at the line or stopped in the backfield at almost every turn.
And then there’s the wide receivers. The one bright spot on this team is still Brandon Allen…OH YOU SHUT YOUR GODDAM MOUTH I WILL BROOK NO POOR MOUTHING OF BA. Brandon was asked to put the team on his shoulders and try to pull out a win against a team that the Hogs should have been up three scores on, in the fourth quarter. The problem with this whole scenario is that once again, Allen’s receivers let him down in a big way. At the very least there were two dropped passes that should have been scores, and while BA did overthrow Hunter Henry in the endzone at the end of the game, the all SEC tight end maybe could have extended just a tad more and hauled it in for the win.
None of this matters though, because we lost, and I’ve gone back to drinking bleach and various drain cleaners. Hey the silver lining is that this wasn’t an SEC loss…AMIRITE?